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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23869654">the calm after the storm</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Iwaizumi Hajime - Freeform, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru Angst, M/M, Sad Oikawa Tooru, Sorry Not Sorry, haikyuu!! - Freeform, iwaoi - Freeform, oikawa tooru - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:55:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,857</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23869654</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He slowly lowered himself over the wet soil. </p>
<p>The flowers flattened in contact with his heavy body.</p>
<p>Welling up in tears as he lays on the dirt. The same dirt that rests against Oikawa’s coffin. The same dirt separating them.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Even in death, something will always be between the two.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>the calm after the storm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=j.">j.</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3LWV9CPB6EZxiQIRYZlw0h?si=hC3hJxtaQuy8vPub6ucJrQ</p>
<p>listen to this while reading!</p>
<p>this is for u j. LOVE U! hope u dont kill me pls u made me write this</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>It had been a long time since Iwaizumi set foot outside.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The sun felt warm against his skin. Like hot chocolate on a cold day. It felt like a remedy to the numbing pain he felt. </p>
<p>
  <em>It felt like Oikawa’s bear hugs.</em>
</p>
<p>As that name crossed his line of thought, he feels everything coming down on him. Pain so intense hiding deep inside him, it was all crashing down. Clenched fists grabbing dark hair. Stinging tears fall down onto the pavement. He couldn’t breathe. Ragged coughs scratch their way out of his throat, he’s gasping for air. Suddenly, he feels trapped, feels like he’s in a <em>coffin. </em>His knees buckle underneath all the hurt. His once numb mind started working, it used to feel frozen; shut in a cold freezer, numbing, painless, thoughtless. Not anymore. It’s as if the sun had melted the ice off. Maybe the cold, the dark, were protecting him from the ocean of emotions that had fallen out of him. He can’t even sob, just broken coughs and burning tears. Shaking hands and bloody knees. Clenched fists and a runny nose. He tried to forget, tried to mask that boy. Tried to draw a blank every time the name Oikawa entered his mind.</p>
<p>He has always tried to alleviate the pain Oikawa felt. Always tried to shoulder his struggles. This time, he cannot. It’s too late.</p>
<p>
  <em>It’s too late.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>I knew a boy and a boy<br/>Best friends with each other<br/>But always wished they were more<br/>'Cause they loved one other<br/>But never discovered<br/>'Cause they were too afraid<br/>Of what they'd say<br/>Moved to different states.</em>
</p>
<p><b>Conan Gray</b>, The Story</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Two weeks had passed since the funeral. The world seemed to stop in its tracks that day. It all seemed like a blur, like a faraway dream. He couldn’t comprehend anything. The only thing he remembered was his lifeless face in that open casket, his forever shut eyes, blue lips that are never going to stretch into a smile nor a laugh again. Lips that will never pronounce “Iwa-chan” in that silly tone of his again. Lips that will never, ever, have the chance to call him Hajime. </p>
<p>It took Iwaizumi quite some time to fathom his death. He had spent everyday — since Oikawa has passed — in his bed. Staring at the blank ceiling, his head was empty, only replaying the moment <em>it </em>happened. His friends all thought he was happy, no one knew the reason why. Not even Iwaizumi. </p>
<p>Iwaizumi didn’t have the chance to figure out his feelings. He didn’t have the chance to tell Oikawa how much he wanted to spend time with him. All that fun they could have had, gone in the blink of an eye. Gone, with Oikawa.</p>
<p>He couldn’t do anything. He wished he had run to Oikawa and held him before the plummet. He wished he had stopped him. He wished he had realized sooner. </p>
<p>After it happened, after the last blue spark fell, he just wanted to lay there. Wanted to stare at the moon, hoping he could see it from the other side too. </p>
<p>At that moment, he knew he couldn’t have changed the past. As much as he wished and hoped and prayed, nothing will change. He had accepted it, but at the same time he was still grief-stricken. He was still drunk with melancholy, feeling blue and downcast.</p>
<p>He had dreamt of being gone with him, being a star with him. Only to wake up and realize that he is still alive. He knows that no matter how much time passes, he is still going to be heavy with hurt. He knows his feet will ache, his back will tire, and his body draped with sweat from the pain he will shoulder all these years. </p>
<p>After all, he is not going to commit to the same mistake Oikawa did. Oikawa wouldn’t want him to. So he's going to wait.</p>
<p>None of that mattered to Iwaizumi at the moment. Right now, he just hoped for one thing: for Oikawa to pass to the other side peacefully. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> _____________________________________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was a clear night that Tuesday. Fireworks were scheduled to go off the moment the clock hit midnight. Since Oikawa has been moping around these few days, Iwaizumi thought to invite him out. They could watch the sky burst in color together. </p>
<p>It was the end of the day when Iwaizumi approached Oikawa sitting alone. He was quiet, seemingly thinking. He had been staring at nothing in particular. His eyes told a different story; it was like he was trying to grasp at something so close, yet so far away. Nonetheless, he looked so beautiful. The sun was setting at an angle that made Oikawa seem like an art piece, like a statue carved out by the most delicate hands. The way his jaw connected, the way his hair fell right at his eyes, the way his long fingers rested at his chin. He looked like something out of this world, too gorgeous to put into words. Oikawa Tooru was perfect.</p>
<p>“Iwa-chan,” </p>
<p>Iwaizumi came back to his senses. Oikawa looked at him, face empty of any emotion. Iwaizumi blinked, waiting for Oikawa to tease him for staring. But that never came. </p>
<p>“You seem out of it, Shittykawa. Everything alright?” Iwaizumi asked, tilting his head. Oikawa wasn’t his usual self. He wasn’t the dumbass who laughed and whined. He wasn’t the smart, scary, intelligent, self he was. Something was different. Even in the way he set, the way he served; they carried a deep sense of sadness, which seemed to slow them down, seemed to change the whole atmosphere of the game. Something was wrong with his best buddy. </p>
<p>Oikawa frowned at Iwaizumi, like he had to think about the question. “Uh, yeah. I’m fine! No need to ask about me!” Oikawa broke into a grin, standing up. Even though the smile was wide, the other boy could see something hiding behind it. He could perceive the fakeness it was radiating.</p>
<p>“Anyways, what did ya want, Iwa-chan? There must be a reason you were looking for me!” He titled his head, smiling as if nothing’s wrong.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi blinked at Oikawa, taken aback by the sudden change of mood. “Oh, yeah. I wanted to ask you if you wanted to watch the fireworks with me tonight, since it’s New Year’s and all. Also, because you seemed down this week,” Iwaizumi felt his heartbeat increase. Why? It‘s just a simple invitation, he thought to himself.</p>
<p>“Oh, err- I’m sorry. I can’t. I have something to do.” Oikawa smiled sadly, his pleasant mood seemingly ending. </p>
<p>Iwaizumi pouted. “Ah. Okay.” He frowned, biting the inside of his lip. He felt anger boil inside him. <em>Why can’t Oikawa just tell me his struggles? Why can’t he just let me help? It’s so frustrating. </em>Thoughts were buzzing around inside his head, and without thinking, he spoke his feelings out. </p>
<p>“I don’t understand why you can’t just let me help you. It’s so frustrating seeing you all depressed and moody. You’re not like that, you’re not the annoying Oikawa I know. I hate it. I can’t bear seeing you moping around, I just can’t! Just let me help you out, goddamnit! Please!” Iwaizumi was turning red, his blood was boiling. He shouldn’t be as mad as he is, but he just couldn’t handle seeing his best friend in pain, his best bud suffering.</p>
<p>Oikawa stared at Iwaizumi, a sad smile on his face. “I’m fine. Please, listen to me. It’s gonna be over tonight, anyways. Don’t worry. Everything’s gonna be fine by tomorrow. Okay?” Oikawa winked at Iwaizumi, who just gaped at him. </p>
<p>“Fine. Better be back to your old self next time I see you, Shittykawa.” Iwaizumi scoffed. </p>
<p>Oikawa grinned, chuckling. “Yeah. Okay. I’ll have to go now,” he gulped. His bottom lip was quivering to the point where he had to bite it. He put his hands on the bench, pulled himself up with all his strength. He faced Iwaizumi, and pulled him into a hug. It wasn’t like his normal hugs. It wasn’t that suffocating bear hug. It was a hug that made Iwaizumi feel enveloped in a deep layer of trust. It made him feel trusted, safe. </p>
<p>“Goodbye, Iwaizumi.” Oikawa mumbled into the latter’s ear. A shiver went down Iwaizumi’s spine, sending goosebumps all over his body. Iwaizumi nodded as Oikawa let go. He watched him pull his bag over his shoulder, watched him as he left. He kept an eye on him until he was out of his sight. He didn’t know why. Maybe it was to make sure he was safe, to make sure nothing happens to him.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi chuckled, shaking his head. “Shittykawa.” He mumbled to himself. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Oh it's you that I lie with</em>
  <br/>
  <em>As the atom bomb locks in</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Yes it's you I welcome death with</em>
  <br/>
  <em>As the world, as the world caves in</em>
</p>
<p><strong>Matt Maltese, </strong>As the World Caves In</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As Iwaizumi stood at the edge of his balcony, he wondered if Oikawa was watching the same stars as him. He wondered if they both were looking at the moon. It’s crazy how two people could be miles apart but still be connected by the moon. Interlocked by gazing at the bright sphere in the middle of the dark sky.</p>
<p>And while he stood pondering there, snippets of his past interaction with Oikawa rose to his head. </p>
<p><em>”Goodbye, Iwaizumi.” </em>What the hell was that? Assikawa rarely calls him Iwaizumi. And goodbye? Over dramatic, wasn’t he?</p>
<p>Wait.</p>
<p>
  <em>”It’s gonna be over tonight.”</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>”Everything’s gonna be fine by tomorrow.” </em>
</p>
<p>Iwaizumi’s eyes widened. His heart dropped to his feet. He felt heavy, his breath shortened. He could feel his unsteady feet walk on their own. The air brushed his hair as he twirled around. He doesn’t know where he’s going. He’s not thinking about it. He can feel his chest heave and his throat tighten. A bitter taste was coming up in his mouth. The same four words were coming up in his mind, over and over again. He was scared. He was scared of losing someone he loved. He didn’t want to lose Oikawa.</p>
<p>
  <em>Please don’t leave, Oikawa.</em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> _____________________________________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Iwaizumi’s feet came to a halt as he saw the blinds of the balcony waving around in the breeze of the cold air. The moon light spilled into the room, providing a light source. </p>
<p>Oikawa’s figure stood watching in silence. He was carrying the same air of sadness he had been shouldering all week. Iwaizumi stood there, staring, taking in every inch of the view, taking in every inch of Oikawa. He knew what was about to happen. His throat tightened, and all he could muster up was a gasp. </p>
<p>Oikawa turned, fear in his eyes. But it was quickly replaced with pain that seemed to dull the shine out of his eyes. His hair waved in the cold, numbing air. His lips formed a smile. It wasn’t one of his usual smiles, it seemed so sad. It showed signs of immense struggle behind it, but it still appeared so beautiful at the same time. </p>
<p>“It’s you,” Iwaizumi briefly catches Oikawa saying. </p>
<p>“Oikawa, what are you doing?” Iwaizumi mutters. His throat was all dried up, as if he had a whole desert resting in there. He could feel his breath shorten, his knees wobble, his lips tremble. </p>
<p>“I know it’s stupid seeing me like this— I’m sorry. It’s selfish of me,” Oikawa rambled, ignoring Iwaizumi’s words. “but, I guess its fine.” Oikawa couldn’t meet Iwaizumi’s eyes. He glanced at the floor, smile dropping, eyebrows furrowing. He lifted his head, staring into Iwaizumi’s soul.</p>
<p>“Here it is. It’s our final night together, alive. So, here goes nothing.” </p>
<p>The world seemed to stop in its tracks. Everything was moving in slow motion. Fireworks came into view, lighting the world up. Casting the illusion of a burning Earth. However, Iwaizumi’s Earth really was burning to the ground. His world was falling apart. His world was being torn apart, shredded with sharp scissors. </p>
<p>“It’s you I practiced with. It’s you I had sleepovers with. It’s you who put me in my place every time I went too far. It’s you who shouldered my struggles, alleviating the pain. The burden.” Oikawa breathed out. Light radiated off the fireworks, hitting him in the back. While the world around Oikawa was dark, the world around Iwaizumi was bright. Oikawa was blocking off the light. Oikawa couldn’t see the light, only Iwaizumi’s face draped in darkness. However, Iwaizumi saw the brightly lit Oikawa. He saw the glow that was radiating off of Oikawa’s body. He saw the way it perfectly displayed every little angle on his body. </p>
<p>Oikawa could only see darkness, whereas Iwaizumi saw his bright world right in front of him. </p>
<p>“Thank you. Thank you for playing volleyball with me. Thank you for setting for me. Thank you for being there for me all this time. And thank you, for being my first love.” Oikawa smiled bittersweetly. He opened his mouth, silent for a second, before speaking in a low voice: </p>
<p>Three words that Iwaizumi will never forget, “I love you, Iwaizumi.” </p>
<p>The last firework exploded in the sky. Blue sparks soared in the sky, casting a turquoise luminance onto the world in front of Iwaizumi, casting luminance on Oikawa’s back. The glow of the firework gave him a blue aura, a melancholic aura. </p>
<p>Iwaizumi could feel his vision tunnel, his heart drop to the underworld, his whole body tremble. <em>His world is going to fall. </em></p>
<p>And as the last blue spark fell to the ground, Oikawa came down with it too. </p>
<p>The glow was gone now, along with Oikawa.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi never shouted as loud as he did that day. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> _____________________________________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They say that the two primary emotions are love and fear. From love flows happiness, peace, joy. From fear sprouts anger, hate, anxiety, guilt. </p>
<p>At the moment Oikawa jumped, Iwaizumi felt the primary emotion of love only, but he also felt the primary emotion of fear, along with all its branches. </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>Take me to the rooftop</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I wanna see the world when I stop breathing, turning blue</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Tell me love is endless, don't be so pretentious</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Leave me like you do</em>
</p>
<p><strong>Billie Eilish, </strong>listen before i go</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was the day after the funeral.</p>
<p>Iwaizumi hadn’t left his bed all day long. His head was empty, other than the image of Oikawa on the balcony that was flashing in his head over and over.</p>
<p>Tossing and turning, the words Oikawa said to him came to mind. He didn’t comprehend them at the time, he didn’t realize the toll those words would have on him. He was so mad. So mad that he hadn’t realized his feelings were mutual before then. If he confessed, Oikawa could have lived. Oikawa wouldn’t have had suffered so much. Oikawa could’ve been with him right now. </p>
<p>It’s funny how a simple mention of his setter’s name seeps grief into his veins.</p>
<p>Everything reminds him of Oikawa. From the peanut butter sandwich he ate earlier to his own face. Yes, his own face reminds him of Oikawa. His face that Oikawa hit with a ball many times, his face that Oikawa poked. It was too much. When Iwaizumi blinks, Oikawa’s lashes come to mind. When he breathes, Oikawa’s deep breaths when serving cross his mind. </p>
<p>He never questioned the reason his heart skipped a beat whenever his best friend wrapped an arm around his shoulders. Nor questioned all the times he was jealous of the swarm of girls around Oikawa. He knew he would reject them all, but he still couldn’t help feel uneasy. </p>
<p>Oh, if only he knew the real reason Oikawa rejected them.</p>
<p>No matter how hard he tried to erase him from his mind, he still came up. He remembered all the times Oikawa followed him around or no reason. Remembered Oikawa’s dark eyes when serving. Remembered the dark aura he emitted when serious. Though, when he was with Iwaizumi, he was a free spirit. </p>
<p>That thought turned the corners of his mouth up. </p>
<p>He had never acknowledged his feelings, but now that its come to it. Now that he actually knows that Oikawa likes him back,</p>
<p>He realizes that he really does love his best buddy.</p>
<p>Even though he may never experience all the new things he could’ve done with Oikawa. Even though he may never feel the way Oikawa’s soft hair fluffs up in the palm of his hand. Even though he may never spike his sets again. Even though he may never be hit in the back of the head from a serve by him again. Even though he wouldn’t be able to hear the way his voice gets high when he’s joking around. Even though he may never, <em>ever, </em>see the way Oikawa smiles again. He’s still going to hold on, just like what Oikawa would’ve wanted. After all, Oikawa gave him a smile, even though he was hurting inside. Even though he felt like dying. </p>
<p>”Until then, wait for me.” Iwaizumi mumbled to himself.</p>
<p>”I loved you,”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
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